Meltdown

I have all these groceries just sitting here waiting to be unloaded. I have wiped-down shelves that need to be lined before I unpack the groceries. I spent $250 on them. My doctor didn't refill my lorazapam. I'm anxious and freaking out. I have to remember it's day by day. Minute by minute. But I'm still super overwhelmed and anxious. The end.

Now it's a couple hours later and I'm much calmer. Still super overwhelmed. But calmer. I think I saw that coming. I knew the buildup of the last few weeks of binging would make me feel crazy and eventually lead to a breakdown. Sister tried to support me during my freakout. There's nothing anyone can do when I get like that. I have to eat protein and take deep breaths. It's like I set it up sub-consciously, this freakout, this fit. I wanted to remind myself why I'm doing this. A big freaking fit caused by too much sugar for weeks, and a blood sugar low that can set it off. I feel bad that she had to be in on it.

Food Plan

Commit to the first two weeks of the BSS (Blood Sugar Solution) recipes. Freeze leftovers. Keep making recipes I like. Use Chloe's recipes whenever I want.

Incentives/Rewards

Mid-point: Saturday May 19th.
Shoes

End: Saturday June 9th.
Massage

Maintenance: Monthly.
?

Buildup

Tonight I had dinner at Mom and Dad's because Cath was in town and it was really good to see her. We all cried about Phoebe...it's only been a few weeks now since she died. I talked a lot about my program  (what can I call it other than that?) and Cath was interested. Another practice of me talking about it, owning it, and not worrying about how it sounds or what people think.

I got my lab results. It had to be over the phone because my A1c was so high that Heather didn't want to post it. Fuuuuck! It's at 12! The highest it's ever ever been. I wasn't surprised it was higher but I was surprised it was THAT high. So scary. So glad I'm going to do this.